Most parents strive to be a successful parent, but it doesn’t just happen automatically. While there are dozens of contributing factors that can build a resilient, successful child, the five most researched and supported factors are included below: 

 

This may seem like an obvious factor, but we often assume our children know how much we love them. As our children grow and mature, we may feel that natural pull from our children towards independence.  We may not want to “embarrass” them with affection or feel we need to spend that one on one time with them as much due to stronger peer relationships.

 

Children of all ages thrive in an environment with parents that can verbalize and demonstrate love. Not only does this include hugs, pats or holding hands when it’s appropriate, but have your child/teen catch you smiling at them. Brag about some of their hard work (or a good deed they have done) to a friend when they can overhear you. 

 

When you say “I love you” – reserve it for times when you both feel the bond. Many parents use “I love you” when they are upset with their child, worried, or disappointed and may be unconsciously attempting to instill guilt in their child. 

 

This may sound cliché, but it is so important to make time daily (even if it can only be five minutes) to sit with them and listen to them alone. If they scoff at the idea, just tell them that you are there for them and will use that time to just “be together” – it’s your special time with your child. Reserve judgmental comments, or probing questions during this time. This is a time to strengthen your bond of support. Younger children may embrace the idea more quickly and want you to play with them. Older children and teens will eventually open up to the idea when they trust they are in a safe environment to open up and talk. 

 

Try to pick up your children from school or extracurricular events and keep the phone and music off (unless you’re both singing at the top of your lungs!). This is also a great time to talk and enjoy each other’s company. 

 

Most people view the term “discipline” as a negative term, or a term that involves some type of punishment. The actual word discipline means “to teach” and as parents, there couldn’t be a more important teaching role. 

 

As parents, we can easily become focused on the immediate results or reactions we see in our children. Once you have a long-term view of how you would like your child to be as an adult, many teaching techniques become so much easier emotionally! For example, you may get a child to stop whining by giving them what they’ve been whining about. Or you can “punish” the child by taking away desirable reinforcers, institute a time out or spank them. In all of these scenarios, there is a reaction to the behavior, but where is the teaching? If you yell and lecture as a result, you can subconsciously imprint on your child that when you are frustrated you must yell, or continue talking until you feel heard. 

 

Think discipline, think teach. How can you teach your child to stop whining for everything they think they want? What are better, more effective ways to cope? The child’s age, developmental growth, and timing are all important factors to teaching, but should be the number one consideration when dealing with behaviors of concern. 

 

When children have things that don’t go their way, they react and use tools they have seen before (model peers or adults) or they will try some of their own to see if they may work. They’ll continue behaviors that work for them. Sometimes this includes negative attention or negative consequences – because negative attention is better than no attention, right?  

 

One of the more effective ways you can teach your child acceptable alternatives are to model appropriate reactions and behaviors. You can also verbalize what you are doing so they child attends to what is happening. For example, “I’m so frustrated by that phone call right now because they won’t fix our washing machine for five more days. I’m going to go outside and cool down for a few minutes.” This helps children see they do have choices in how to behave, which in turn creates positive consequences. Children that react emotionally typically feel that situations just “happen” to them are quick to blame, and feel they have no control over the situation. This results in negative self esteem, anger and frustration.

 

Many parents are concerned with their child’s self esteem. There are many opportunities to build confidence in your child by demonstrating confidence in their abilities and their behavior. Any task they are capable of doing themselves, they should be doing. Allow them to do things imperfectly – this is how they master a task. This is not a place for endless, fickle compliments. Children are intelligent beings and will value only compliments that they feel they deserve. 

 

It’s also important to pay attention to the language you use with your child.  For example, if your child does something “bad”, a knee jerk response may be “How can you be so stupid?” While it is normal to get upset by poor choices in your child, it is important to separate his actions from the person he is. 

 

Try to view any negative behaviors as a “teachable moment”. Children don’t automatically know how to respond to situations – particularly when they are excited, angry or upset. Impulsivity often overrides any rational thinking in a developing brain. It also helps to think of their negative behavior on a “learning curve”, much like learning to read. Most parents wouldn’t become upset with a child that is struggling to read. While it can be difficult, we should have the same patience when teaching new behaviors and reactions to our children.  

 

Sports and extra-curricular activities are also excellent ways to build a child’s confidence. Permit them to find activities they are passionate about. Allow them the opportunity to see that continued practice in something results in huge gains! Television and video games do not apply here. 

 

Last, be consistent with your words. If you promised something to your child, you need to make every effort to follow through. If you stated a consequence will happen and it’s now inconvenient, again think long term. Your words will carry so much weight with greater consistency. When a child can predict consequences, they are surer of themselves and their reactions in turn.