Blog

Summer Break

As the summer break will be here before you know it, here are a few tips to make the most out of the summer!

Plan some family time. For some, this involves a vacation, camping or visiting relatives. While these are all wonderful experiences for the family, it is equally important to connect and have fun with your children without all the pressures of homework or the school schedule! If you are a working parent, you may not feel you have as much flexibility. You may be surprised at how far a quick board game, story time, a walk together or cooking together can create a positive bond and lasting memories.
Schedule some “down time”. This note is geared more towards the families that are involved in several activities already. It is important that children learn to entertain themselves, use their imagination and connect to what is important to them. Like adults, they need down time to reflect, learn more about themselves during this time – which may include learning a new skill or what they like/don’t like. This does NOT include television, games or computer time. Which leads us to…
Limit television, computer and games for your children. It is easy to slip into allowing them more time during the “lazy days of summer”. Yes, you may hear more fighting with siblings or “I’m bored” – but the payoff will be great. Research is overwhelmingly negative regarding any of the above media forms – (with exception of educational material) - we’ll cover this topic more in depth in a future newsletter….
Try to schedule weekly social dates or “play dates” for your children (this pertains more for elementary age children OR for teens that aren’t proactive in connecting with peers). This is a great time to watch your child interact with others and learn skills like sharing, turn taking, shared games or activities, etc. If your child isn’t asking for play dates that does not mean they wouldn’t like to have one! Many children and teens actually don’t know how to go about initiating play dates or don’t believe you have the time to make it happen. Try to make the time to get parents’ phone numbers before school is out. This goes a long way for creating better interactions with siblings as well when they have that break from each other!
Do at least one atypical or unusual activity as a family. This may include going on a bug hunt, making a big art project, painting a mural on a wall, creating a play or scavenger hunt. Have your children take part in the creativity! One family I know had each member of the family get a “week” where they would pick the day and time and activity that all had to participate. It kept everyone curious and looking forward to the event!

Many parents seek the help of professionals throughout their child’s development. From birth to age three, parents that seek out help are often concerned about physical or mental development. This can be a crucial time for early intervention for children deemed at risk (i.e., premature babies, Down’s syndrome, Pervasive Developmental Disorder, etc.). The child’s primary care physician is usually the first professional to evaluate the child. While their expertise is centered on physical health, they can refer a child to a specialist when they have concerns. Children aged three to six are also referred for similar concerns, but it is often prompted from the child’s preschool or the parents observe differences in development or behavior that spark concern. It is critical that concerns with particular syndromes or physical development be first addressed through the pediatrician.

While these types of concerns account for a small percentage of the population, the majority of concerns that prompt professional consultation occur for behavior (not physiological in origin). This most often occurs when their child’s behavior has become so concerning or pervasive that it is difficult to overlook and parents suspect this may not be something they “outgrow”. Parents often don’t know where to start the search for support and at first may start with their child’s pediatrician or with their insurance. While this is a good place to start for some, it can often take weeks to book an appointment and the resulting appointment is quite brief with an occasional referral to a psychiatrist or counselor. Insurance often covers limited sessions as a family and can be as little as once a month. When the concerns are behavioral, it is nearly impossible to address and change behavior with contact once or twice month. Most parents search for professionals that have training with children and behavior and are actively looking for a “child behavior psychologist” or “child psychologist”. Unfortunately, there are very few individuals that call themselves “child psychologists”, but instead may be a therapist, psychologist or social worker with extensive training in child development. While level of training is

a good initial indicator, it is not nearly as important as that individual’s area of expertise, overall philosophy and methodologies. A few of the more common specialists that parents may seek include:

Marriage and Family Therapists (MFTs) – MFT’s are trained mental health professionals that bring a family-oriented perspective to health care. Treatment is usually focused on not just the child, but family patterns, relationships and stages of development. There is great variability in an MFT’s area of expertise (i.e., drug/alcohol abuse, depression, divorce, child development, etc.). Training involves a Master’s Degree or Doctorate with approximately 60 hours of additional coursework and 3000 hours of supervised work experience.
Psychiatrist – Psychiatrists are physicians that specialize in diagnosis and treatment of mental, addictive and emotional disorders. They prescribe medications, practice psychotherapy and often consult with primary care physicians, social workers or psychologists. Training involves an M.D. or D.O. degree and four years of residency, with at least three of those years in psychiatry.
Licensed Educational Psychologist – A Licensed Educational Psychologist holds a Masters or Doctorate degree along with a Pupil Personnel Services (PPS) credential that allows them to work within a school setting. They require an additional three years of full time service documented within a school setting and are required to pass the LEP exam. Their specialties center on educational assessment, behavior assessment, consultation and counseling to promote effective learning (behavioral or academic).
School Psychologist – A School Psychologist either holds a Masters of Science or a Doctorate Degree along with a Pupil Personnel Services (PPS) credential that allows them to work within a school setting. Their specialties center on the school setting along with identification of learning disabilities, processing deficits and behavioral issues that effect learning. Training involves a MS Degree or Doctorate with approximately 80 hours of training. Most have extensive training in educational assessment.
Clinical Psychologist- Most individuals have a doctorate degree although occasionally there are individuals with master’s degrees. Most have had a Bachelor’s Degree in Psychology prior to entering a program. These individuals work with diagnosis, treatment and prevention of mental disorders. This field is the largest specialty for those that are deemed “psychologists”.
Social Worker-These individuals assist people cope with issues, relationships and personal/family problems. Training can be in the areas of family/children, research, addiction, unemployment, abuse, etc. A Bachelor’s degree is the minimum requirement although many carry a Master’s Degree as well. To obtain licensure, they must have 3000 hours (2 years) of supervised clinical experience and then have a LCSW (Licensed Clinical Social Worker).
Industrial-organizational Psychologist – These individuals typically work within the business setting and apply psychological principles and research methods to the workplace in efforts to promote quality of work life. Individuals can practice with a Master’s of Arts and occasionally some have a Bachelor’s Degree.
Ph.D. versus Psy.D. – The Doctor of Philosophy in Psychology (Ph.D.) emphasizes the role of research and science. The Doctor of Psychology (Psy.D.) degree focuses on clinical and practitioner work and usually takes one year less time to complete.

Expert Help for Parents

Tips to find expert help for parents

As the information age is in full boar, the new issue arising for all of us is too many choices. While having choices can be perceived as beneficial, too many choices often results in a person feeling overwhelmed. Research shows that as a result, people tend to make an impulsive decision or remain indecisive. In the book “The Paradox of Choice: Why More is Less”, Barry Schwartz, PhD, reports “There’s a point where all choice starts to be not only unproductive, but counterproductive - - a source of pain, regret, worry about missed opportunities and unrealistically high expectations.”

Some choices may be of minor consequence, such as jam flavor or the color of your placemats. However, what is a person to do with significant choices in service based industries? In the past, people were restricted to their own community to receive services for accounting, advertising, or counseling. With the advent of the internet, more professionals seek a broader base of clients using the internet as a marketing tool.

As a result, highly personal needs such as counseling services and the consulting industry have seen a large increase in referrals when marketing via the internet. However, with any increase in exposure and advertising comes increased competition. For example, a person searching for counseling for marital problems on the internet can find over 3 million matches on the internet!

While this article is not intended to help remedy the barrage of choices that occur daily to the average person, it is intended to help you make decisions for consulting or counseling services as it applies to parents. Here are a few tips to help you narrow down your choices as you search for expert parenting help:

1. “Seek and you will find….”. Sometimes you need to learn more about what is causing your concern before you spend the time on a referral. Is my child truly depressed? Does he have ADHD? Be wary of conducting your own research.

There are so many articles on the internet, that it can not only overwhelm a parent, it can also pathologize your child when it’s not necessary. While there are some credible websites out there such as WebMD and UCDavis MIND Institute, it is often difficult to separate fact from opinion, and advertising versus recommendations.

2. When you are first considering getting parenting help, be as specific as you possibly can. Are you concerned about your child’s behavior in a particular environment? Or is it more global in nature? Some sites such as Parent Help Live do have phone consultations with trained professionals to help you decide if your concerns are better served by working with a professional or if you should utilize a counselor in your community to work with your child.

3. You may have concerns stemming from a school referral or observe differences in your child’s development compared with same aged peers. If there are real concerns about a physiological condition, such as Pervasive Developmental Disorder (Autism spectrum disorders), ADHD, Bipolar, etc. and you are considering medication, diagnosis or need a label for insurance purposes, please seek out your pediatrician first.

4. If you child has suffered through a trauma or a major change has occurred, seek out a counselor or psychologist to work with your child in an office setting. Interview potential counselors from a list provided by your insurance provider. Insure the service provider has years of experience and has training specific to children. Be very discerning in this approach before you introduce your child to the professional.

If your concerns center around the household environment, conflicting parenting approaches, your coping skills, organization, or the child’s behavior or coping skills; consider consulting with a psychologist or counselor that has expertise as a behaviorist.

Be aware that there are no base requirements for a person to call themselves an “expert”, “coach” or “professional” – they are purely descriptive terms. Look at the level of training, degrees, years of experience, and/or fields of expertise.

You may be better served with individuals that have thousands of documented hours of supervised time in a clinical setting or in a school setting (such as a Marriage and Family Therapist, Educational Psychologist, or Clinical Psychologist). These individuals gain significant insight out in the field and are required to maintain professional growth hours every year to improve their skills.

Family Counseling Online

Given the challenges of raising a healthy, resilient child in today’s society, many parents turn to professionals to help guide their families into sound decisions and habits. Parents regularly seek advice and instruction from coaches, tutors, teachers and psychologists depending on the concerns at hand. Counseling services have typically been restricted to a clinical setting or counseling office and often resulted in long wait times or restricted visits due to insurance. Today, more parents are turning to the internet for a rapidly growing resource: family counseling online. Some professionals use the internet (i.e., via Skype or similar web resource) to allow the family and professional to view each other in front of the computer. Because this requires a web camera and computer, not all families choose this option. Many families choose the option of receiving counseling via the telephone. While this does not allow the therapist to see nuances within nonverbal communication, studies also show that individuals that participate in this media form tend to be more forth coming in their concerns and enjoy the anonymity the phone provides. In this arena, the most effective and positive changes result when the professional (usually a psychologist or counselor) works with the parents directly to address the issues at hand. Recent research supports the efficacy of phone based therapy due to the convenience and low attrition with the counseling process.

Many parents referring questions and concerns center on one child’s behavior. Their child may be aggressive, immature, temperamental, unpredictable, explosive, or any range of adjectives that a parent may use to describe their child’s behaviors. The referral may also have been prompted from the school’s concerns; or behaviors become evident when comparing them to same aged peers.

Provided there isn’t a physiological condition that precedes the behavior, online counseling works with the goal of helping the parent to better understand contributing factors to the child’s behavior while increasing the child’s independence. Therapists help guide parents in how specifically to teach their child skills that empower them to make more appropriate choices. Ongoing counseling is particularly helpful when addressing specific strategies as well as family paradigms. It is important that professionals work cohesively with parents in order to blend the behavior training with the individual differences of each child.

Progress is often contingent on the parent(s) becoming keen observers of behaviors within themselves and their children. It is sometimes difficult for parents to be truly objective in this measure – but this also holds true in a traditional clinical setting. Success of interventions is highly contingent on parenting attitudes, beliefs, skill sets, and investment in any particular strategy. It may seem that focusing on the child and what the child can do (or not do) would be the obvious route to effective behavior change. However, a trained psychologist or counselor can help teach parents where the power truly lays – their reactions to the behavior. While consistency is crucial for any effective or lasting change, the ability to break down and analyze the behavior patterns is most effective with the objective eye of a trained professional.

Help for Parents

Get Help for Parents Online at Parent Help Live

You may feel you should put on a strong front when you are worried for your children or disappointed with your coping skills as a parent. The fact is that you may be a mother or father, but there is no required training on how to effectively parent our children with all the unexpected challenges that arise.

Yes, you can read a book or an article regarding your concerns, but the majority of people that actually purchase such materials do not apply the strategies or change their paradigms. Learning as a parent generally takes place much like a child learning to read. It takes daily practice, support and encouragement until it becomes automatic. The end result is a parent that has confidence, composure and is resourceful. In turn, your children view you as a parent that inspires them to become the best that they can be. While we all do want that for our children, we don’t often demonstrate it when we are exhausted, angry or overwhelmed.

Where can a parent get help?
Today parents can have access to trained educators and mentors via the internet. A trained and licensed counselor or psychologist can now work through your personal situation and help a parent arrive at solutions that work best for their family. The best part is, that parents now have the option to do this “on demand”, meaning they can consult with a professional according to their schedule and talk in the comfort of their own home. When you work with a trained and licensed professional, they can also offer a better understanding of symptoms or characteristics that you see in your child and if it should warrant a face to face consultation.

Many quality consultants and counselors will offer a brief consultation before you pay. When discussing your issues with this person, see how they perceive and approach your problem. Do you feel they are encouraging your own thinking and awareness or are they more direct with what they feel you should do? The later may feel like more of a release of decisions and your responsibility, however it will provide dependence on that person and may not build true insight or create learning in the area of concern. Suggestions and strategies are important, but secondary to creating insight into what may have prompted the issue in the first place.

Other factors to consider….
Look at payment options listed on the site. Are the prices listed or do you need to call for that information? Do they require a “package” of sessions be paid upfront? Do they offer one time consulting to better determine if this is a good match? Always go with a counselor that offers a series of payment options from one session to several. You may save more with a package, but it is best if you can work with them in 1-3 sessions to determine if this is a good fit based on what they bring to the session and your experience.

Does their site encourage suggestions and feedback from clients? This is a positive sign that they are open and willing to adjust according to their client’s needs. A consultant or counselor need not acquiesce to everything that is out there – that is not a sound business decision. However, if they regularly promote feedback and make adjustments occasionally – this suggests they practice what they preach.

One of the sites that meet the highest standards of quality is www.parenthelplive.com. Parent Help Live is an innovative site that realizes the challenges of parenting and applies solid research principles to your parenting needs. It has received an “A” rating with the Better Business Bureau Online program and works with a variety of licensed, master’s level and higher counselors, therapists and psychologists and pairs them with you after an initial consultation of your concerns.

Learn more about getting started with Parent Help Live today!

Online Parent Class

Many parents report that after attending a class on a parenting subject that they are “renewed”, “rejuvenated” or “excited to apply new strategies”. Others enjoy knowing that their struggles aren’t necessarily unique and draw strength from parents that have been in similar situations. However, while there is occasionally a great class offered to parents, many cannot attend due to busy schedules. Others find the location too prohibitive from their work or home. Finding child care in order to attend a class can also be extremely difficult.

There is now an excellent option for online parent classes on the internet available to all parents of children aged 3-18. Parent Help Live (www.parenthelplive.com) is an affordable, high quality option for anyone that is looking for personal development, professional development or wants to comply with workplace or court requirements. Parent Help Live offers a diverse range of classes for a fraction of the cost of other online classes. It also offers the rare opportunity to interact live, as a person would do in a real class setting. Participants are allowed the option to email questions to the speakers prior to the class and throughout the live class. Downloadable power points and handouts are also available after the class is complete, particularly for parents that may miss the live class due to potential scheduling conflicts.

Every week Parent Help Live offers the most popular subject matter in a concise, logical format that is easy to follow in just an hour’s time. Realizing parents’ hectic schedules and demands, Parent Help Live chooses to keep classes to an hour to maximize participation and parent involvement. Key points and highlights of each subject are addressed and can be reviewed at one’s convenience due to the downloadable format of both the presentation and the material.

Parent Help Live requires that all presenters have a minimum of ten years of experience in their field of expertise. This may include extensive education and training, as well as positive referrals from parents and professionals. Many speakers that have come to Parent Help Live are national speakers and award winning authors. Parents now have the benefit from hearing some of these wonderful speakers in the comfort of their own home!

Examples of a few of the online parenting classes offered:

ADHD-Signs, Symptoms, Solutions
The Road to Reading
Ending the Year on a Positive Note – Dealing with Homework Hassles, Projects, Etc.
Bullying – Signs and Solutions
Building Reading Comprehension
Parenting Successful Children
Sensory Integration Dysfunction
Anxiety and Stress in Your Child
Effective Discipline Strategies

Get started with Parent Help Live today!

Online Parent Counselor

Why is it that as adults we feel we must do everything well – and do it without help? We always encourage our children to “ask for help” from a teacher or coach when they are unsure…why don’t we?

Parenting is one of the most challenging experiences one can ever take on and yet we expect in today’s society for you to know automatically, by instinct, what to do at any given time. Even amongst trained parent professionals, I have yet to meet someone that wasn’t tested in their theories or approaches by one of their children. Venting or discussing difficulties among friends is often the first line of approach for parents for common issues (i.e., child won’t sleep alone, homework hassles, sibling rivalry, etc.). It can make a parent feel better temporarily, that they’re not alone, but too often you are still left with the problem when you walk into your home. Perhaps you and your spouse don’t see eye to eye on a parenting approach? Perhaps you’ve had conflicting advice from your relatives or friends? You may have issues with your child that you are too embarrassed to discuss with people that know you?

Many parents book an appointment with their pediatrician and receive a long referral list for counselors and don’t know where to start. You may call a few from the list that look close to your house or perhaps a friend has heard of them. You may leave a message or find out that they are an hour drive, or you’ll have to pull your children out of school to make the appointment, or their first available appointment is in two months. Perhaps you finally get to the appointment to find out that you are not compatible, but now you’ve invested an entire evening there, filled out forms and had that counselor review your entire history. You can’t back out now!

Instead, savvy parents are now turning to the internet to find an online parent counselor. Online counseling offers the greatest flexibility in time and money saved for parents. Counseling for children has its place and is extremely valuable when dealing with childhood trauma, severe stress, significant parent conflicts or mental illness in the child. However, for most concerns centered around a child’s behavior, a counselor that works exclusively with the parent will note more effective behavioral change in the child!

Parents may react – “But my child is acting out of control! How will my talking to an online parent counselor help the situation?” By following the traditional model of working with a child and their thought patterns in a clinical setting, minimal results are seen (particularly for children under the age of 12). Children may grow to trust the therapist, but their venting sessions may not generalize to settings outside the counseling office. Again, we are not discussing mental illness here. We are discussing behavioral, academic, motivational or familial conflicts.

When the counselor addresses these issues with one or both parents, there is a greater probability of long term change. The reason being is that children are motivated to continue their behavior – particularly if the environment (and parent’s reactions) remains the same. Parents can unknowingly reinforce and strengthen negative behaviors as well. Parents that take the time to understand and analyze their child’s behavior with a licensed professional tend to be less stressed and have a stronger relationship with their children in future conflicts. Another supporting factor for working with parents alone is that the parent is a willing participant and children have not sought out counseling services nor show interest in making changes – their behavior is working fine for them!

Once parents start to see real behavioral changes, phone follow ups are critical so the family doesn’t fall back to old habits and see old behaviors reappear. It takes approximately 90 days to change behaviors long term. By modeling different reactions and enabling our children to make different choices in behaviors, they see that learning is a life-long process and that everyone can benefit from asking for help once in a while!

“In order to have something you have never had before you must do something you have never done before to achieve it” - Unknown

Ready to get help with an online parent couselor with Parent Help Live? Get started today!

Parent Coaching

Twenty years ago, most of us viewed a coach as someone that helped create a motivated and winning team in sports. The term “coaching” has expanded it’s meaning over the last ten years to include Personal Coach, Life Coach, Business Coach, Fitness Coach, etc. Wikipedia defines coaching as “a method of directing, instructing and training a person or group of people, with the aim to achieve some goal or develop specific skills”. Most research supports the fact that goal setting is most effective when held accountable by another individual.

Parent Coaching is a new and rapidly growing field created to address the needs of parents today. While the skill set of the coaches themselves can vary considerably, there is no educational requirement for an individual to call themselves a “Parent Coach”. Individuals that report to be “certified” have completed online courses typically of six months to a year.

While life experience and online education are valuable, Parent Help Live (www.parenthelplive.com) has taken the Parent Coach model several steps further by allowing parents’ access to the licensed therapists, psychologists and counselors that they would regularly see in a private practice. All professionals have a minimum of five years field experience in addition to their Master’s or Doctorate degree. Parent Help Live also requires that individuals doing therapy have expertise working with families and children and have positive professional referrals. As with any hired professional, seasoned veterans tend to have a larger skill set to pull from and apply towards the highly diverse referrals. Many of our screened professionals have regular experience working in a public school or private school setting as well, which can lend itself well to many referral concerns. Trained therapists can be better equipped to deal with the psychological aspects of family paradigms, family history, and thinking patterns.

Why seek a Parent Coach?

Many parents can feel isolated or not in control of family life. Magazines and books don’t address their personal, complex issues and family dynamics. It can be difficult for a parent to objectively look at the situation or be solution oriented when they are emotionally invested. It can be a knee jerk response for parents to send their child to a therapist because they need to “do something!” However, as the leader and role model of the family, lasting change is created by working with the parent.

Parent coaching (or phone therapy) can empower parents to see workable solutions and have a guiding hand along the way. While Parent Help Live does offer acute therapy (one or two sessions), long term positive results for the entire family is best with weekly sessions for 6-12 weeks, depending on the referral question.

Ready to get started with Parent Help Live? Signup today or fill out our online Phone Therapy form.

Parent Websites

Some Helpful Parent Websites

We often use the internet as our “go to” resource for a variety of topics. However, you may notice when searching for topics as a parent, you may end up on many unrelated sites or non-relevant sites with a flood of advertising.

It can become very time consuming for busy parents to search for real information and separate the wheat from the chaff. How is a parent to know facts from opinion? When a parent finds information on a particular condition or “disorder”, one can start to check off the symptoms and believe it is true for their child. The danger here is that the article can be written from another person’s perspective without any research or statistics to back it up.

It is best that parents keep within professional sites where research and fact-finding is a priority. Below are the top ten sites geared to parents that offer research based practices, a wealth of information, and user friendly navigation:

1. www.parenthelplive.com : This content-rich site offers help for parents in a live format. Parents can receive newsletters and occasional webinars for free to gain key information absent of advertising outside the site. The big differentiator here is parents have access to licensed psychologists and counselors for therapy or consultation regarding their parenting concerns. The site also offers parent classes via the internet where parents can actually ask questions and comment within the class. Members can download all previous classes.

2. www.aap.org: This site (American Academy of Pediatrics) has a number of quality articles on a variety of topics. Articles are provided alphabetically and by age for parents. There are also professional articles and research.

3. www.healthychildcare.org: Healthy Child Care America coordinates with the American Academy of Pediatrics to improve early education and childcare. Newsletters, resources abound for parents of very young children. Parents can also click on a topic or interest and type (i.e., article, website, training, power point, handouts, etc.).

4. www.greatschools.net: For parents of children with learning difficulties, this is a good site for information. Articles are written by grade and also include articles for parents to be excellent advocates in the school system. There is also a community page which includes discussion boards.

5. www.nichcy.org: Offers a range of materials to connect people with easy to understand educational research. Includes practical examples of integrating research to practice. A good research for parents searching to understand and communicate with professionals and educators working with their child.

6. www.cfw.tufts.edu: This site dedicates their research to a “Child & Family Web guide” which evaluates, describes and provides links to hundreds of credible sites. If a parent has a specific issue or concern, simply review topics on parenting, education, health or medical and a list of described sites will follow. Parents can also search based on age.

7. www.webmd.com: This site provides quality and reliable health information with medical news, features, reference materials and online community programs. This site is dedicated not only to parents, but the general public.

8. www.ucdmc.ucdavis.edu/MINDInstitute : For parents with concerns with Autistic-spectrum or Pervasive Developmental Disorders, this is the site for you. Most professionals consider this the “gold-standard” for quality information on Autism due to their ongoing research and support groups within the Sacramento, CA area. For most parents, on site support for their children may not be feasible due to distance. However, this site includes videos from well respected doctors in the field, a newsletters, articles and resources (websites) for parents of children with disabilities.

9. www.educationcreations.com: This site offers parents creative educational ideas for home schooling, supplemental education, building language and other ideas. Great for homeschoolers or parents looking for enrichment for children of elementary school age.

10. www.cyfernet.org: Children, Youth and Families Education and Research Network offers practical research-based information from the nation’s leading universities. Resources include references and high quality articles on a variety of topics to help parents cope, adapt and build healthy relationships.

Successful Parenting

5 Key Factors to Successful Parenting

Most parents strive to be a successful parent, but it doesn’t just happen automatically. While there are dozens of contributing factors that can build a resilient, successful child, the five most researched and supported factors are included below:

1. Demonstrate love

This may seem like an obvious factor, but we often assume our children know how much we love them. As our children grow and mature, we may feel that natural pull from our children towards independence. We may not want to “embarrass” them with affection or feel we need to spend that one on one time with them as much due to stronger peer relationships.

Children of all ages thrive in an environment with parents that can verbalize and demonstrate love. Not only does this include hugs, pats or holding hands when it’s appropriate, but have your child/teen catch you smiling at them. Brag about some of their hard work (or a good deed they have done) to a friend when they can overhear you.

When you say “I love you” – reserve it for times when you both feel the bond. Many parents use “I love you” when they are upset with their child, worried, or disappointed and may be unconsciously attempting to instill guilt in their child.

2. Spend Quality Time

This may sound cliché, but it is so important to make time daily (even if it can only be five minutes) to sit with them and listen to them alone. If they scoff at the idea, just tell them that you are there for them and will use that time to just “be together” – it’s your special time with your child. Reserve judgmental comments, or probing questions during this time. This is a time to strengthen your bond of support. Younger children may embrace the idea more quickly and want you to play with them. Older children and teens will eventually open up to the idea when they trust they are in a safe environment to open up and talk.

Try to pick up your children from school or extracurricular events and keep the phone and music off (unless you’re both singing at the top of your lungs!). This is also a great time to talk and enjoy each other’s company.

3. Discipline

Most people view the term “discipline” as a negative term, or a term that involves some type of punishment. The actual word discipline means “to teach” and as parents, there couldn’t be a more important teaching role.

As parents, we can easily become focused on the immediate results or reactions we see in our children. Once you have a long-term view of how you would like your child to be as an adult, many teaching techniques become so much easier emotionally! For example, you may get a child to stop whining by giving them what they’ve been whining about. Or you can “punish” the child by taking away desirable reinforcers, institute a time out or spank them. In all of these scenarios, there is a reaction to the behavior, but where is the teaching? If you yell and lecture as a result, you can subconsciously imprint on your child that when you are frustrated you must yell, or continue talking until you feel heard.

Think discipline, think teach. How can you teach your child to stop whining for everything they think they want? What are better, more effective ways to cope? The child’s age, developmental growth, and timing are all important factors to teaching, but should be the number one consideration when dealing with behaviors of concern.

4. Modeling

When children have things that don’t go their way, they react and use tools they have seen before (model peers or adults) or they will try some of their own to see if they may work. They’ll continue behaviors that work for them. Sometimes this includes negative attention or negative consequences – because negative attention is better than no attention, right?

One of the more effective ways you can teach your child acceptable alternatives are to model appropriate reactions and behaviors. You can also verbalize what you are doing so they child attends to what is happening. For example, “I’m so frustrated by that phone call right now because they won’t fix our washing machine for five more days. I’m going to go outside and cool down for a few minutes.” This helps children see they do have choices in how to behave, which in turn creates positive consequences. Children that react emotionally typically feel that situations just “happen” to them are quick to blame, and feel they have no control over the situation. This results in negative self esteem, anger and frustration.

5. Building confidence in your child

Many parents are concerned with their child’s self esteem. There are many opportunities to build confidence in your child by demonstrating confidence in their abilities and their behavior. Any task they are capable of doing themselves, they should be doing. Allow them to do things imperfectly – this is how they master a task. This is not a place for endless, fickle compliments. Children are intelligent beings and will value only compliments that they feel they deserve.

It’s also important to pay attention to the language you use with your child. For example, if your child does something “bad”, a knee jerk response may be “How can you be so stupid?” While it is normal to get upset by poor choices in your child, it is important to separate his actions from the person he is.

Try to view any negative behaviors as a “teachable moment”. Children don’t automatically know how to respond to situations – particularly when they are excited, angry or upset. Impulsivity often overrides any rational thinking in a developing brain. It also helps to think of their negative behavior on a “learning curve”, much like learning to read. Most parents wouldn’t become upset with a child that is struggling to read. While it can be difficult, we should have the same patience when teaching new behaviors and reactions to our children.

Sports and extra-curricular activities are also excellent ways to build a child’s confidence. Permit them to find activities they are passionate about. Allow them the opportunity to see that continued practice in something results in huge gains! Television and video games do not apply here.

Last, be consistent with your words. If you promised something to your child, you need to make every effort to follow through. If you stated a consequence will happen and it’s now inconvenient, again think long term. Your words will carry so much weight with greater consistency. When a child can predict consequences, they are surer of themselves and their reactions in turn.